ok this is a weird start, but like yolo right?? (am i doing it right)
what am i trying to say: in many families, there seems to exist a perceived "ownership" and "division" of the children amongst each parent. easiest example: the son becomes a unique property of Dad, and the daughter of Mom's. It happens kind of naturally and organically in the early years. Dad likes fast cars, talks about fast cars, (drives?) fast cars. Son wants to be like Dad. You get it. Same goes for the daughter, and for Mom. So this happens. Thats all fine and good. it very much happened in my family. I WAS the property of my Dad. now i think its pretty obvious why that was. he was served an extra dosage of narcissism by the big guy....and it came out in pretty textbook ways. I was named after him, with this ridiculous middle name, and I am a third (yep). i was groomed to play the sports he did, like the things he liked, and go to the schools that he approved of (and went to). i wasn't even allowed to apply to the schools that i wanted to go to. so yeah, do NOT cry me a river, because i was like the most spoiled kid ever. That said, that part of it really, really sucked. but let me try to get back on track. this model kind of works, but it can really fall flat on its face. how? a death in the family. dad dies suddenly. yep. it was june 17th of 2015, and my dad passed from an abdominal aneurism in the stamford hospital. i was the first family member there and was there as he passed. i then had to tell my sisters, our mom, my wife, and all of the people in his "orbit" (he had a big one). why is this all coming back to me now. why does this make sense in terms of what i was writing before about the idea of same sex ownership. since my dad has passed, my relationship with my mother has felt forced. there, i said it. it has felt like since he passed that i didn't really have parents. and i hate myself for saying that because i love my mother. i gotta say though, it wasn't too cool that she let him "take me" for all of those years. maybe it would have been better to not let this idea of "ownership" work its way into the family dynamic. because, as they say, you never really know whats going to happen. so yeah, this whole thing kind of f*cked yours truly, and why am i writing this. i dont know. maybe it will help you if you either have or are thinking of having young kids? in any event, thats it. i felt pretty lost for a number of years there because i felt like i didn't have anywhere to go. and maybe things could have been different. but it would have had to have started from the beginning. i surely don't expect that my mom could have "created" a strong relationship with me upon the passing of my dad. you can't just create super strong bonds when you need them if those things haven't existed for decades. mom, if you ever read this, i hope you dont, but if you ever do - just know that i forgive you, and i love you, and i'm sorry for everything.
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