Here we are again. Its been a minute since my last post and I'm not sure why. I can't seem to get in the rhythm but "thats OK" (recall the WASP battle cry). I guess I'll start with a rant from the end of a trip down to Palm Beach (shoot me for complaining). We are down in Florida seeing my Mom and dealing with the "does she want us around?" scaries. I guess since I got sober that has become a bit more clear to me and a bit more of a focus. I suppose whats troublesome about it, beyond the obvious, is I start to wonder how long this has been "a thing". I don't have a great memory as it is, so I find myself sitting here wondering if this actually was "a thing" when I was oh I dont know, 5...8.....12? Did she want us around? Or was it basically get us to 18 and do a great job (I do think she tried hard), and then kind of get us out of the house? When I start to wonder about what it was REALLY LIKE when we were younger, my mind immediately races to the (i think somewhat logical) questioning pattern of like > did this affect me and my development. Did it make me want and crave some form of emotional care...some tenderness....some kind of nurturing that I wasn't getting. And did that translate to my adult life, and basically make me a needy b!tch. Probably? I mean it makes sense to me when I put it down on paper like that. I think its kind of logical to assume that at some point along the line, I started to crave a little bit of that TLC that I may not have been getting. After all, if she doesn't really want us around that much in our adult lives (even when we have children of our own), is it that much of a stretch to think that that is the way it was the entire time? Said another way, when we visit now its basically in and out. One week, two TOPS. And thats only for a Holiday like Christmas. So like, this isnt exactly a "long putt" (shoot me again) for her. It has a defined expiration and yet it still seems incredibly overwhelming for her to have us around. I don't know. Maybe this is putting too much on her.
Signing off for now, your needy a$$ bitch,
JBL
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