Well, its been a minute, folks, since my last post. There's been really no excuse, except for maybe a newborn and lots of work, but my sponsor really has no time for excuses (for anything), so I won't try to even make one here. In any event, I figured I'd share that I finally reached one year of continuous sobriety, and I got my one year coin, which I am incredibly stoked about. I was even asked to chair the Tuesday beginners meeting at my home group. Now that I'm done patting myself on the back I want to talk a little about "living sober". Because its not that easy, especially when you are constantly surrounded by alcohol, and thats not to say these people are abusing it - in any fashion - or to cast any judgement, in the least. To the contrary, these earthlings are able to somehow enjoy alcohol "like a gentleman" to quote the sometimes misogynistic Bill W. In any event, for me, alcohol was always the "easy button" to get me out of my shell. I'd always been a somewhat closet introvert, and truly despise talking about myself. I'm FAR more comfortable in going with the "OMG How are you?! How is everything? What have you been up to" rapid fire approach whenever I see anyone so that I can desperately avoid having to talk about myself. Why this makes me so anxious will forever remain a mystery to me but hey here we are. But alcohol. When I drank, all of a sudden I could be silly, I could be funny (or so I thought), I could laugh and make jokes and blah blah you get the drill. But that lasted for the first 4 drinks or so, at which point I would generally black out and become a drooling mess that needed to be put in a cab, or woken up off a couch. In sobriety, I don't have to worry about that, thank God, but I will admit that I'm missing that "lightness", or that ability to become silly, or that ability to just let my shoulders drop - especially in a social situation. Cocktail parties and the like are thus exceptionally hard for me. I haven't found any magic sauce, yet, no pun intended, but I'm hoping that a continued diet of living amends, being great to my wife and (now TWO) children, exercise, surfing, yoga, and every little thing I can do twoards living a healthy life (save nicotine, which is I guess the next thing to tackle) is what I will continue to do. People who are the old-timers in AA, or who have long term sobriety always say the same thing "it gets easier" or "that first year is so hard". I don't feel any compulsion to drink, that isn't the hard part. The hard part is finding the ability to be self confident, and outgoing, and be able to talk about myself, and not completely duck social engagements. Because I don't want to be some hermit. I have a very social lifestyle and bleieve it or not I do love my friends and I do want to be able to be around them, and people in general, but I dont want to feel like "a stiff", which is kind of what I feel like right now. So I guess this is a prayer that I will find the ability to take things a little easier, be a little lighter, laugh a little more (really, alllow myself to laugh a little more), because this isn't just for me - I want my kids and my wife to see me as a happy, silly, fun person. I wouldn't go back to drinking for anything in the world, because it nearly cost me my life, but I do want to find that inner Jamie thats hiding in there somewhere that can let loose and have fun and laugh and live and be a little more "care-free". Thats a bit of an odd expression now that I write it out loud, because I care so deeply about so many things, but I don't want to go down that rabbit hole right now about debating expressions that for the most part work for people. In any event, this was probably a pretty boring post and I don't have much of a followership anyways, but for anyone who reads this, just know that if your feeling anything like what I'm feeling, you're not alone. All my love.
Jamie
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